


Though I'm with you now, I am miles away

by misakikinomoto



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, I managed to write an angst blowjob guys, M/M, Pining, So much angst that it somehow became heart-wrenching fluff, Writer Derek, only not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-23
Updated: 2013-11-23
Packaged: 2018-01-02 10:44:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1055848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misakikinomoto/pseuds/misakikinomoto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Some brave souls choose to wear their hearts on their sleeves, but I, brave or stupid or perhaps both, have chosen instead to wear mine on yours."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Though I'm with you now, I am miles away

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the song Hard to Say by Ry Cuming. 
> 
> This fic has been based off three songs in succession: The Last Unicorn by The Passenger, Lego House by Ed Sheeran and Stomach Tied In Knots by Sleeping with Sirens.
> 
> Stiles can be seen as underage or not depending on how you want to see it, because its not been specified. I like to think he's totally legal, but I should probably point that out, since, even if he's legal when the fic takes place, he would have been underage when the actual acts start.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you like it! Its my first attempt at posting a sterek fic, even though I've been reading Sterek for a while.
> 
> Also, a huge shout out to Kristine who took the time to go through this fic as my beta! I love you!

 

_Cause hearts won’t buy love and nor will they sell,_

_And there is no love in this hotel._

  


Their little...fuck-buddy-ship, as Stiles called it, started at some point after they defeated the Alpha pack and were slowly on their way to recovery. They were never going to get over the loss of Erica and Boyd, but somehow, the Alpha pack had served as a good kick in the arse.

 

Scott and Derek agreed to join the packs officially. Isaac and Stiles had both started bonding more, and Allison, Danny and Lydia were all part of the pack now. Even Peter, who still creeped the fuck out of everyone, was slowly becoming more normal. Ethan joined their pack, because he left his own for Danny, and now everyone was pretty confused as to what the actual dynamics of the pack were. As the most experienced alpha and the only born werewolf (beside Peter) in the pack, the two other alphas immediately deferred to Derek. Derek had learnt a lot from the entire Alpha pack issue and was slowly becoming a better leader.

 

Stiles, Lydia, Danny and Allison became Team Human, and they had their own meetings every Friday before pack meetings. Now that the Sheriff was in the know, Stiles was allowed to go for the meetings and didn’t have to lie anymore. The other three seemed to defer to Stiles, which he honestly didn’t understand because Lydia was the terrifying one, Allison was the experienced one and Danny was the charismatic one. But for some reason, they all chose to make him their leader. They were all pretty close friends. Once a month, they learnt about firearms from Mr. Argent, and on alternate Saturdays, they went to Deaton and learnt about magic and the supernatural world.

 

Stiles wasn’t sure when he started looking at Lydia differently. For his entire life, it seemed like he had loved Lydia. But now, as a different Stiles, an older Stiles, he could easily say that it was puppy love. It was admiration for someone he could easily connect to, someone who he saw a kindred spirit in.

 

But now, he knew that he and Lydia would never have worked out. This idea had popped into his head at some point after Jackson left Beacon Hills. What Jackson and Lydia had, that was passion. But Stiles and Lydia didn’t have anything to even turn into that. They were more or less two sides of the same coin.

 

Now, a year later, the whole pack had made huge leaps of improvement in every possible way. There was more communication, more control, and more strategic planning. This way, the likelihood of someone being maimed was reduced, but there was always a chance of it happening.

 

The idea of having Team Human had been Stiles’ idea, and he had jokingly laid it out to Derek one night, when they were cleaning up after a pack meeting (seriously, Derek was raising these kids to be actual animals). Derek had actually agreed with his idea, and he mentioned it to the other humans.

 

It was shortly after this that Derek and Stiles started their little…..friends-with-benefits thing.

Derek prefered to pretend it never happened unless it was actually happening, and Stiles was more than happy to leave it at that, because it meant less awkward conversations.

 

It was a simple system. Derek and Stiles were both a bit frustrated, after the utter fiascos of their “love-lives”. It seemed simple enough, that is. They both needed to get it out of their systems, and it was easy to get it out on each other.

 

Stiles was in no way a threat to Derek, and there was really no possibility of him being an evil supernatural creature out to make Derek’s miserable life even more miserable.

 

It was no loss from Stiles’ perspective. He had eyes. Derek was hot like the sun. He had a gorgeous ass, and ridiculous muscles and he pulled off the Bad Boy act to perfection. So Stiles really had no issue letting Derek fuck him every week or so to get the need out of their system.

 

That is, until Stiles started seeing Derek as more than that. He started seeing Derek as the hot guy who’s not perfect, but tries so hard to make all the ends meet. He started seeing him as the guy who goes for Ethan’s and Isaac’s PTA meetings because they didn’t have any other adult figure to do the same.

 

Somewhere along the line, much to Stiles’ horror, he had managed to fall for Derek Hale.

 

And given the fact that this is, after all, Stiles’ life, there was absolutely NO WAY that Derek would ever feel the same.

 

* * *

 

Thanks to his experience with Lydia, Stiles was pretty good at pretending that nothing was up. Graduation was coming soon, Peter was slowly starting to be the uncle Derek had told him he used to be, Isaac was worried Cora wouldn’t be interested in him anymore when she saw all the college guys, and Scott was worried that Allison would do the same.

 

Given that Stiles, Isaac and Scott had become an almost inseparable trio- almost  only because there was Isaac and Cora time, Scott and Allison time, and unknown to everyone else, Derek and Stiles time- Stiles had enough on his mind.

 

He still thinks Peter is going to kill them all one day, but those moments are only when Peter is being a creeper. Of course, Stiles also thinks that out of the entire pack, Peter is the only one who knows what’s going on between Derek and Stiles, and he also has a horrid feeling that Peter knows exactly how Stiles feels about Derek.

 

For some reason, though, Peter seems to be content with keeping his silence about it.

 

Stiles isn’t going to question it, because right about now, its literally the only thing going his way.

 

“So Stiles, what do you think we should make the theme for prom?” asked Lydia, looking at him sharply.

 

Stiles started, and looked at Lydia blankly.

 

“How should I know? We will not, for the sake of our sanity, make it something supernatural based.”

 

Lydia gave him a dirty look for stating the obvious.

 

Danny rolled his eyes. “Come on Stiles. We can’t start planning the prom for the senior class if we don’t know the theme.”

 

Stiles sighed, stretching. “I can’t believe I let you talk me into this, Lyds,” he grumbled, and Lydia flicked her hair back with a sort of superior look.

 

“Its not like you wouldn’t have done it,” said Danny, snorting. What Lydia wanted, she got. Rule number one of the universe.

 

“Sweet Dreams and Starry Skies,” said Stiles, glancing at the grandfather clock in the Martin’s hall.

 

“Need to go somewhere, Stiles?” said Lydia sweetly, but Stiles knew better. He wasn’t going anywhere till Lydia let him.

 

“That’s a good idea,” said Danny thoughtfully, looking at the ceiling like he was trying to imagine the prom with that theme.

 

“We could use lanterns and water fountains? Make it like the ground of Hogwarts maybe?” said Stiles, pushing away the hope that he could get out and get to his room, where Derek would be waiting for him.

 

Lydia nodded.  “Yes, that should work. I know some people who could help us out, and we do have werewolves as friends. This should work out. Good idea, Stiles. Do you think you can make the sketch by tonight?”

 

Sketching was something new Stiles had started. He had taken an art class as a break from his numerous AP classes but had found that he was pretty good at it.

 

“I can try,” said Stiles, though he knew he was expected to have it done by tomorrow. It looked like there was no possibility for a night with Derek.

 

“Go home, Stiles. You look beat. You do your bit and Lydia and I will look up any of our contacts who would be able to tell us a venue.”

 

Stiles nodded, grabbing his bag. This week had been particularly long. He just wanted to drop dead.

 

“Call Derek and tell him to pick you up. There is no way I’m letting you go home half asleep,” said Lydia.

 

“I can call Scott or Isaac,”mumbled Stiles, but Lydia had already dialed Derek’s number.

 

“Derek, come get your human before he passes out,” said Lydia, calmly, as her lips twitched into a smirk.

 

“I’m not something to be owned,” mumbled Stiles, “by Derek or otherwise.”

 

“You know, its funny,” said Lydia, her eyes sharp and Stiles knew that she was very amused.

 

Danny looked up from his laptop, an eyebrow raised.

 

“He said the exact same thing.”

 

Stiles groaned and slammed his head into one of the many pillows that adorned the sofas in Lydia’s living room. He and Derek had always known each other almost instinctively. They both knew far too much about each other for it to be nothing. Stiles knew that Derek hated coffee and prefered to have peppermint tea in the morning. Derek knew the exact way Stiles prefered his coffee. It was an accumulation of small things that had been observed over the past few years, and the fact that it wasn’t something either man did for absolutely anyone amused the rest of the pack.

 

Derek had often commented, in the middle of fucking Stiles into the mattress, that he was grateful, for once, that the pack had been too lazy to learn to use their sense of smell in the way he had.

 

He felt his cock twitch slightly as he thought of that, and glanced at Lydia and Danny, who continued to do their work without noticing.

 

He knew Derek was on his way, and this entire thing was pretty normal. There were days that Derek came to pick Stiles up from school, under the excuse that he needed Stiles to help him with something, only to park somewhere deep in the woods to have his dirty way with him. Sometimes, when Stiles got hurt because of whatever supernatural baddie came through, Derek always took him home.

 

It was absolutely normal for them, but Stiles couldn’t help feel awkward when Derek walked through the door, nodded at Danny and Lydia, and threw Stiles over his shoulder like a freaking Neanderthal.

 

Stiles let out a noise that was somewhere between a squawk and a squeak. He could see Danny giving him an exasperated but fond look, and even Lydia glanced at him, smirking, before getting back to her work.

 

“Say bye to your friends, Stiles,” said Derek.

 

“Bye, guys,” he said obediently, if not petulantly. This earnt a mumble from Danny, but Stiles had no idea what the boy said. Whatever it was seemed to make Derek tighten his grip on Stiles and walk faster.

 

“I have work to do,” mumbled Stiles, as Derek packed him into the Camaro, buckling him up.

 

“We’ll get you coffee on the way home,” promised Derek, before closing the door and making his way to the driver’s side.

 

Stiles mumbled in return and dozed off in the Camaro. He had been in the Camaro so many times that the sound of its engine almost immediately lulled him to sleep. A part of Stiles knew that the Camaro was safe because Derek was safe and Derek loved the Camaro. But he wasn’t going to cause himself any additional pain.

 

When he woke up, he found himself in front of his house, and Derek was on his side of the car, trying to wake him up.

 

“Come on,” Derek said, handing him the coffee before turning around to open the door to the Stilinski home, so that Stiles could go upstairs.

 

After Stiles was in the house, Derek turned around to go.

 

“Where are you going?” asked Stiles, after a deep sip of his coffee, which was, as usual, perfect.

 

“Home. I have some work to do. Cora needs my help with some stuff,” Derek said, and Stiles had known the man long enough to know that he was lying. While he was slightly insulted by the fact that Derek believed that Stiles would fall for his lies, he let it go, because he not only had work to complete but was dead tired.

 

Derek wasn’t going to stick around to spend time with him. Stiles knew better than to think that. It didn’t mean that he couldn’t and didn’t hope that he would, though.

 

So Stiles just quietly watched Derek leave the house and shut the door behind him. He waited till he could hear the Camaro fade away in the distance before he sank down to the floor with a pained sigh.

 

* * *

 

Cora and Isaac met Stiles outside his house the next day, waiting to pick him up with Derek as their driver. Both Isaac and Cora had gotten their licences, but Derek refused to let them drive the Camaro anywhere. The two usually stuck to their bikes instead.

 

“Hey guys. How come you guys didn’t use the bikes today?” he said, climbing into the front seat so he didn’t become the awkward third party with the couple.

 

“Its too close to the moon for them to risk it,” said Derek, eyes on the road as usual, not really acknowledging Stiles beyond speaking to him. Stiles ignored it as usual,  but from the look Cora was giving Derek from the back seat, he knew the coldness was not lost on her. For a person who picked Stiles up regularly from where ever he went and intentionally seeked him out when there was an issue, Derek seemed awfully disinterested in Stiles in general.

 

Stiles wouldn’t be here if his jeep hadn’t been at Derek’s place, getting fixed. Sending it for servicing would be too expensive, but Derek knew how to fix cars, having worked as a mechanic when he lived in New York.

 

Stiles had come to terms with the fact that Derek saw him as something useful and nothing else- whether it was as his troublesome beta’s best friend, or the pack researcher, or the head of Team Human or even as a fuck buddy. Stiles’ value in Derek’s life was utilitarian and nothing more. Cora and some of the others didn’t seem to really understand the dynamics of their “relationship” and Cora was the most forward about her displeasure over her brother’s attitude to her favorite human.

 

Stiles and Cora had become ridiculously close over the past year, because he tutored her in several subjects so she could catch up on the syllabus and didn’t have to start as an older kid in a younger class. Stiles had taken out all of his summer to help Cora, who was as intelligent as her brother and quickly grasped onto the concepts she had been unable to study over the past few years.

 

Yet, no one was more surprised than Stiles himself when Cora, who was as reclusive and almost as scary as her brother, decided to keep Stiles. Whether they were friend or if Stiles was her pet, no one knew for sure, except maybe Isaac and Derek. Isaac found a ridiculous amount of glee in watching Stiles flail in confusion when Cora decided to be more affectionate than usual, and Derek never answered anyone’s questions, so he was a dead end.

 

Stiles smiled sheepishly at her from his position, which made her frown even more. Her face did this thing that basically said “My brother is such an emotionally constipated asshat”. It seemed the expressive facial features were a hereditary Hale thing, but the expressive, Zachary Quinto eyebrows were particularly a Derek trait.

 

Stiles looked forward because he couldn’t look at Cora without wondering what she knew about them.

 

He had no clue how Derek did it. Well, probably he didn’t care enough to think about it till he felt like fucking Stiles into the mattress. Or the wall. Or the floor. They weren’t really picky about their location.

 

By the time Stiles managed to get his head back in reality, they were in front of the school.

 

“Thanks Derek,” he mumbled, getting out of the car as quickly as he could without it looking odd. Derek, for the first time since he had gotten in, looked at him. But Stiles refused to be pulled in, and gave him a fake little smile and ran after Cora and Isaac, who had already started making their way to the building.

 

And if he felt Derek staring holes into his back? Well, no one knew that but him and Derek.

 

* * *

 

Stiles days were usually a mix of school, planning the prom and pack stuff. Now, school had given the three of them permission to skip school to finish off Prom work and Danny, Lydia and Stiles were working overtime.

 

“The good thing is,” said Stiles, as he drove them to yet another one of the possible venues near the school, “that we have werewolves at our disposal. We can get the heavy lifting done once LYDIA CHOOSES ONE OF THE GOD DAMN VENUES.”

 

Lydia glared at him.

 

“This is prom. It has to be perfect.”

 

Danny smirked at the huff Stiles let out.

 

“I’m sure the next one will be better Stiles,” he said, and Stiles glared at him as well.

 

Lydia sighed. “You’re the one who made a detailed plan of the prom, Stiles. We need to make it like that,” she said.

 

Stiles was quiet.

 

“Stiles, out of curiosity, where did you envision the place?” said Danny, and Stiles seemed to stiffen.

 

“The place where Derek’s house used to be,” said Stiles softly. And both Lydia and Danny glances at each other.

 

“Then this shouldn’t be an issue at all. Derek can loan us the area for a bit, because the county demolished the house, right?”

 

“Lydia, we can’t ask him something like that,” said Stiles, glaring at her.

 

“Calm down, Stiles. He’ll be fine with it,” said Danny patting him on the thigh before telling him to drop them back home.

 

Stiles didn’t say anything, because how could he explain to them that the forest was perfect for the prom but he didn’t want to speak to Derek?

 

“Then you guys talk to him. I’m beat, so I need some sleep now,” he said, calmly and Lydia gave him a knowing look, like she knew the two weren’t talking to each other again.

 

Stiles ignored her, and dropped them off at Lydia’s place and drove off to his own house, hoping to get in some sleep.

 

Of course, that wasn’t going to happen, because the moment he got into his room, he found Derek lying on his bed waiting for him.

 

Stiles groaned.

 

“Don’t you have your own apartment to go sleep in? I know for a fact that you have one because I helped you furnish it,” he said, glaring at him as he put his bag away and took off his flannel shirt. Derek watched him calmly.

 

“I guessed you’d be home early,” he said, getting up.

 

“Well, I want to sleep. So get out,” replied Stiles, still pissed.

 

Derek smirked, and Stiles got even angrier. As Derek got closer to him, he put an arm up to push him away, even if it wouldn’t be much. But instead, Derek grabbed his arm and pulled him in, slamming his lips into Stiles’.

 

“What the. Mngh. Derek,” Stiles said, struggling a bit but melting as Derek gently bit on his lips. Their tongues battled it out, moans and grunt filling the room and Derek pressed Stiles against the wall. He finally let go of his lips and moved down to bit down on Stiles’ neck. Derek and Stiles had been at this long enough to know each other’s weaknesses and Stiles had the biggest biting kink. Fitting, considering he was in love with a werewolf.

 

Remembering that, Stiles pushed away properly.

 

“I’m serious, Derek,” he mumbled, as Derek continued to press soft kisses against his lips as if he was hoping that making out with Stiles would change his mind. It could. But Stiles knew that there was only pain on that path.

 

“I’m really tired, Derek. I didn’t have enough sleep last night and all this stuff is stretching me bare. I just want to go to sleep,” he said, his voice already sounding fucked out like it tended to after a make out session with Derek. Derek looked slightly confused like he didn’t understand but he let Stiles go. Stiles knew that he would. Derek wasn’t the kind of person who would force anything on anyone.

 

Stiles didn’t say anything else. He just went to his bed, tucked himself in and turned away from Derek. He took slow, deep breaths, hoping that maybe this way, Derek would think he was asleep. He felt Derek sit next to him on the bed, and a soft hand- a hand that he would probably be able to identify without seeing- brush through his hair.

 

“What are we doing, Stiles?” murmured Derek and then, he was gone. Leaving Stiles to his pain, his heartbreak and his tears.

 

* * *

 

When Stiles went to school the next day, to meet Danny and Lydia, he was met with two identical smarmy grins.

 

“Derek agreed to let us use Hale land for the prom! He loved your idea!” said Lydia.

 

“Loved,” said Stiles, because even though he had seen Derek smile, laugh, chuckle, and everything in between, he could not imagine his expression now.

 

“Well, he made a face that was more positive than usual,” said Danny, making Stiles snort.

 

“Anyway,” said Lydia, frowning at them as if they had insulted her by not taking her word as the word of God himself, “he said that if we needed anything, we could ask the pack, but he insists he watch over us because he doesn’t trust you to NOT light everything up by accident.”

 

“Gee thanks, Derek. Nice to know you have so much faith in me after all these years,” Stiles said, trying to make it sound like a joke, but Lydia and Danny looked at him with those sad eyes that said they were not fooled.

 

Ok, so maybe Danny and Lydia had guessed that Stiles was in love with Derek. But they didn’t know anything else, and he was ok with that. He prefered that. It wasn’t that Stiles was ashamed of Derek. He didn’t want Derek to be ashamed of him. After all, why would someone who looked like Derek want to have anything to do with a guy like Stiles?

 

Danny seemed to force a grin on his face and said, “How about I buy you a cup of coffee?”

 

Stiles brightened up. “You, Danny, are my favorite person ever.”

 

As they turned, Stiles saw Derek, standing there watching him. There was something about his expression that made his heart skip a beat. He looked away from the sad, confused look he was getting and walked away.

 

After all, it was better for him.

 

Until Lydia noticed Derek and waved him over.

 

“We’re going for coffee! Come along and we can discuss Stiles’ idea!” she said, smiling sweetly at Derek, who knew by now that he was supposed to do Lydia’s bidding and just nodded.

 

Danny smiled in amusement when he saw Stiles stiffen slightly.

 

“Yeah, come along. We can get things done faster that way,” said Stiles, smiling slightly and and Derek stared at him like he was trying to open him up like a present and try to figure out what he thought.

 

Stiles looked away, and swung an arm around Danny.

 

“Now, I was thinking you could buy me a gorgeous cup of coffee from that place downtown…”

 

* * *

 

Stiles felt slightly nervous in the back seat with Derek, but Derek made no move to talk about anything with him. Yesterday had been the first time he said no to Derek. Ever. With Derek, it had always been yes. Always. But he couldn’t do that anymore. Not without hurting himself in the process.

 

Lydia and Danny could easily feel the tension in the back as they made their way to the cafe, and even when they all sat at their table- Lydia next to Danny and Derek next to Stiles. Stiles seemed to be completely at ease, and Derek seemed like his usual stick-up-his-arse self, but it was easy to tell that they weren’t okay with each other because Stiles and Derek always talked to each other. They were StilesandDerek.

 

“So I was thinking that since there are so many trees, we can use that to our advantage and maybe do a old-school prom, with minimal fancy shit. That way we stay in our budget and manage to do more to make it look like its actually magical,” said Stiles, after a few sips of coffee.

 

“There are actual spells for that, you know,” said Derek gruffly, while demolishing his doughnut.

 

Lydia seemed to hone all her attention on him when he says this.

 

“Really? What do you mean?” said Danny.

 

“My aunt’s wedding. She wanted an outdoor one, under the moon,” he said, and that was, as usual, the end of Derek’s contribution to the conversation.

 

The three of them explored the possibility of using magic for their senior prom. It seemed fitting, somehow, that their prom would be filled with supernatural elements and human ones.

 

After they finished their coffees, Lydia and Danny left to get some stuff ready, and Stiles and Derek were alone again.

 

“You’re sad,” said Derek quietly.

 

Stiles glanced at him.

 

“Its nothing,” he said, almost like a reflex.

 

“Lie,” Derek replied, as they made their way out of the cafe and towards the jeep.

 

“Leave it Derek,” Stiles said, his voice shaking slightly.

 

“Why are you being weird? Did I do something wrong?” said Derek, looking slightly miserable.

 

“No!” Stiles hurried to assure him.

 

And that was how they found themselves in Derek’s empty apartment, Stiles pressed against the front door, legs around Derek’s waist, licking his way into Derek’s mouth. Derek growled, pressing closer to Stiles like they weren’t already flush against each other.

 

“Fuck, Stiles,” he growled, using one arm to hold Stiles up, and the other to slip inside his shirt to touch the skin underneath.

 

“Have I told you how much it turns me on when you do that?” moaned Stiles, and Derek snorted, his lips kissing a path down his neck. Stiles loved it when he bit his neck, but since it would be too obvious, Derek was always careful to bite lower down, where no one would see it.

 

Derek was so considerate and loyal and perfect and gorgeous and kind and hard working and annoying and indecisive and self-loathing and fuck if Stiles didn’t love him. He loved him so much that he couldn’t stop this from happening. He wanted to enjoy what little time he had left with Derek, to be able to enjoy his time with him, even if it meant that he was going stag to the prom and that he’d probably never marry anyone ever. Or have any kids.

 

If that meant that he could have Derek now, even if it was just in his head, Stiles was alright with that. Even if it ended in tears, if Derek kicked him out of the pack.

 

“You’re sad again. What’s wrong?” said Derek, pulling away.

 

Stiles whined slightly. “It’s nothing, come back here.”

 

“Stop trying to distract me with sex.”

 

Stiles ran his lips over Derek’s jaw line, mouthing at it softly.

 

Derek pulled away completely.

 

Stiles sighed and attempted to rearrange his clothes as an excuse to not look at Derek.

 

“Its not important,” he said calmly.

 

Derek looked surprised. “You honestly believe that whatever is bothering you isn’t important?”

 

“Pot, Kettle,” said Stiles pulling on his flannel shirt and tugging on it a few times in a downward motion.

 

“Why are you being so difficult?”

 

“Because that’s what I am, Derek. Difficult. Distracted. Always off on my own little journey in my head. We’ve established these facts already.”

 

“Is it prom? Is it stressing you out that much?” said Derek, his face changing into something akin to concern.

 

“Leave it,” said Stiles, his voice dangerously sharp. Derek looked hurt for a moment, but he quickly shut it out, his face becoming a blank mask. Stiles hated it when Derek made that face. It reminded him of days of pain, where everyone was hiding something.

 

And he was probably the only one who still was.

  


_And we’ll sit on our single beds,_

_Nothing on our hearts and tears on our threads._

  


* * *

* * *

  


_And it's dark in a cold December, but I've got you to keep me warm_

_If you're broken I'll mend ya and keep you sheltered from the storm._

Derek had spent a lot of time second guessing himself. After Kate, he had been so wracked with grief that he had become someone completely different. Then, finally, after all the shit that they had to deal with, Jennifer came along and Derek, who had been love-starved for so long, fell for her entire act.

 

He just wanted to get away from it all. He had known for a while that he was also into guys. Of course, he had had sex with guys before, but always one night stands.

 

He decided that the best way to forget Jennifer was to fuck his memories away. And this time around, he wanted someone he could trust, and who better than Stiles?

 

Stiles who had saved him a countless number of times when he could have just left him for dead. Stiles who had been pining over Lydia for the longest time, and was as into Derek’s idea as Derek was.

 

And at first, it was fine. Derek was slowly getting past the entire shitty luck he had with women. The smell of Stiles on him kept away all the unwanted  and interested supernatural creatures. He slowly eased into a newly peaceful pack life, where he slowly began forming a better bond with Scott (something akin to brothers, which Stiles always cackled about). Isaac and Cora became closer to each other and him, and they slowly became something more than just a ragtag bunch of werewolves.

 

If he had to be honest, Derek had to say that it was all thanks to Stiles. Stiles pulled Scott’s head out of his ass, got the Argents to sign the treaty and a cease fire, got Isaac and Cora together, helped Cora get into the same class as them (which Cora had been worried about, because she thought that Isaac wouldn’t want her if she was “stupid”), and formed Team Human which became their backbone in so many ways.

 

Stiles had done all of this, and Derek knew that he had done it out of the love he had for the pack. The first person who knew and understood what Pack meant wasn’t Isaac or Scott. It was the very-human Stiles, who tried so hard, right from the beginning, to help Derek bring everything together.

 

And Derek couldn’t be more grateful. Which was why he was waiting for the day Stiles got fed up with having sex with him and moved on. Stiles deserved so much better, deserved someone who could give them a heart that wasn’t surrounded by darkness. Someone who could love him without fearing that he would leave him. Someone who would make him happy, make him laugh, get his jokes, not throw him against surfaces.

 

Stiles deserved someone who wasn’t him, and Derek knew that. He didn’t have any false ideas about Stiles actually liking him. Sure, Stiles liked him well enough. Stiles wasn’t the type to fuck around with someone he hated. They’d gotten close well before they started their little thing.

 

But Stiles didn’t and never would like Derek the way Derek and his wolf so desperately wanted him to. The wolf wanted to come out, protect. And so did Derek. Derek wanted to keep him happy, to protect him from any kind of pain he could.

 

But how could he do that when Stiles refused to let him know what was wrong?

 

He sighed. It was starting to get more and more difficult to keep the pack out of the loop as well. Stiles had, from the beginning, always been the “second alpha”, so to speak. The entire pack could feel the tension between the two. He wasn’t sure if he should be grateful or worried that the pack hadn’t smelt what the two were up to. Sure, Cora and Isaac didn’t exactly come to his apartment usually, preferring to live in the pack flat that he had gotten so that they had a place to go during pack meetings, and Derek was able to have his own space.

 

So other than Stiles, no one really came over to his place, due to some weird line that had always been there. Scott was usually with Allison, though he was much better than before, and not many people went to Stiles’ room either, so they couldn’t smell the heady mix of sex and attraction.

 

Yes, Derek knew Stiles was attracted to him. He always had been. But Derek wasn’t blind. He was also well aware of what he looked like, had smelt the varying levels of attraction around him since he had been in college in New York, to date. He knew that Stiles was just a hormonal teen who didn’t know what he wanted, and soon, when he saw the world outside, he’d see exactly what he had been missing in the small town he had made his world.

 

And Derek would not be that guy who begged him to stay because he couldn’t see his life without him. He wouldn’t be that selfish. He couldn’t do that to Stiles.

 

Stiles would thank him for this one day. That day may not be today. But it was necessary. It had to be done.

 

Derek stared quietly at his computer in front of him. Regardless of what everyone thought, he had used computers before. But only for writing. Stiles had convinced him to get back to writing, and now he was once again publishing books.

 

_What do you do when you heart is broken? When it is given to someone and they don’t even know they have it? How do you sit where you are, and watch as they go from day to day, never knowing how you feel, how much you feel._

_All for them._

_And you’re content with sitting there, watching them smile and laugh and just be. You’re okay with never having them love you back._

 

_But your heart is still broken. Its still hurt. And it has so many scars, cuts so deep that no one can fix it. No one but the person you have given it wholeheartedly to._

_And in that pain, all you can hope for is not their love. But that they find someone who can help them heal. Someone who will be that person to fix their hearts. Even if they couldn’t do it for you._

 

Outside his window, the rain began falling, people running to get shelter under doorways. A couple ran into a doorway, giggling, filled to the brim with love that Derek thought he would never be able to feel.

 

Even if he never could feel that love towards him, he could hope that Stiles would. And so, in every novel he wrote, Derek made sure the characters were happy in the end. He didn’t want to put even these fictional characters in the pain he had to go through, seeing Stiles push him away, seeing him sad, seeing him uncertain and unconfident. Maybe he was a romantic at heart, maybe he didn’t want to see people in pain when he literally had the control over what happened and why.

 

And so, every novel Derek wrote was filled with angst, pain and this love that radiated from every page.

 

The pack chuckled about it, but they all loved the books he wrote. He knew that Cora had the full collection of his books, and kept reading them. He knew that for her, it was another way to get closer to him, because they were both still slightly afraid of completely falling into each other. And both sides were ok with that.

 

Of course, it annoyed Stiles, because he knew they both loved each other, and wanted to be what they used to be, before the fire, but were too angst ridden to do so.

 

Derek glanced at his phone, which had started vibrating.

 

Peter.

 

Peter was someone he hadn’t been able to trust for a long time, but now, he had proven time and time again that he was here to stay as part of the pack, rather than trying to hurt them. It had taken them all time, and Stiles and Lydia were the slowest to trust him. Stiles seemed to give him the okay only because Derek had, but Lydia hadn’t been as easy to convince. With reason, of course.

 

He picked up the call.

 

“Yes Peter.”

 

“Is that a way to talk to your favorite uncle?”

 

“Peter, you’re my only uncle.”

 

It had taken them time, but now they could joke around like this without the memory of the fire coming to mind and dulling their interactions.

 

Peter chuckled on the other side.

 

“I just called to ask how the rest of the pack is,” he said, fondness radiating from his voice.

 

Peter had decided to go on a small road trip across the West coast to meet other packs and maybe make connections.

 

“They’re fine. How’s your trip?”

 

“Absolutely brilliant. How is your thing with the Stilinski boy?” Peter said.

 

Derek was quiet.

 

“Both of you are imbeciles. I wish you’d get your heads out of the ground and actually see. You’d see what all of us know. None of the pups have figured out what you’ve been up to, though I have my doubts about Cora, but they all know that you feel something and that he does too. Why can’t you both just make the jump?”

 

“Because I can’t ask him to give up everything for me. He’s young, he doesn’t know what he wants. He’s not seen the world outside world. He’ll find someone who won’t put his life in danger, who won’t ask so much of him…”

 

“Derek, firstly, Stiles hasn’t been in any actual danger since the Alpha pack, because their defeat sent out a message to every supernatural creature in the United States. The werewolves I’ve met have been fearful of our pack. And they’ve all heard of the incredibly smart human who the Alpha keeps at his side. Also, Stiles is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. And as for asking too much from him, shouldn’t you let Stiles decide that?”

 

Derek sighed, looking at his manuscript.

 

“If he still seems to want this before he goes to college, I’ll do something.”

 

“No. You’re going to do something about it as soon as you physically can. Or I will tell the pack every single embarrassing story I have about you in my arsenal.”

 

Derek groaned.

 

“Peter,” he whined.

 

“Nope. Nope nope nope. Stop being a depressed idiot. Go do something to be happy. You’ve been selfless enough. Stop trying to atone for something no one blames you for and go get your man.”

 

Peter disconnected, and Derek knew he would totally go and tell the pack about his most embarrassing moments if he didn’t man up.

 

He groaned and slammed him head onto the table.

 

* * *

 

Derek came back home after his quick drive to Berkeley to give in his masters application and found Stiles sitting on his couch, reading one of his novels.

 

“Stiles,” said Derek, dropping his bag on the table.

 

“I’m fed up of trying not to kiss you,” said Stiles, seeming really angry about how he couldn’t stay away.

 

Derek silently sent up a thanks to whoever was up there that Stiles wasn’t a werewolf because he couldn’t hear the way his heart skipped a beat, and how he now smelt of hope and longing.

 

Stiles set the book aside, after placing a bookmark in it, and moved forward and into Derek’s space. He fit perfectly, and Derek felt his heart clench. Their lips pressed together softly, and Derek’s hands slowly made their way into Stiles’ back pocket, squeezing gently, eliciting a groan for the younger man.

 

Stiles tried to speeden the kiss up, but Derek kept it slow and soft, nipping at his lips occasionally, and running his tongue over his lower lip. Stiles melted into him and Derek sighed softly into the kiss, picking him up so that Stiles’ legs were wrapped around him.

 

Stiles whimpered as Derek carried him to his bedroom. After that conversation with Peter, Derek knew that he had to do something. He couldn’t say it, but maybe, just maybe, Stiles would understand with the way they had sex today.

 

He dropped the boy on the bed, climbing over him. He pressed his lips gently on his, and then moved to his neck, nipping and sucking at the white flesh there till he could see the hickey forming there. Derek loved how easily Stiles’ skin bruised. At least, when he was the one sucking them onto said skin. He got furious when Stiles was hurt otherwise.

 

Stiles let out a rough groan. Derek smirked, his hand slowly making its way down the younger man’s chest and slowly making it to his denim cover crotch, grinding his palm down, eliciting a louder moan from Stiles.

 

“Please, Derek, please. Why the fuck are we still clothed?”

 

Derek chuckled, kissing him softly where his ear and his neck met, making Stiles whimper under him.

 

“Patience, Stiles,” said Derek, his voice an octave lower than usual, as it usually ended up being when he and Stiles were fucking.

 

Regardless, Derek unbuttoned Stiles’ pants, and took his own shirt off. Stiles was quick to get his pants off, as well as his shirt, glaring a Derek’s jeans like they had personally offended him. Derek grinned at him, leaning down to kiss Stiles again. He had missed this. With Stiles being so distant, Derek had wanted so badly, but hadn’t wanted to push Stiles.

 

Derek gently ran his fingers across Stiles’ chest, kissing every mole he could find on the way down to his treasure trail. He wanted to taste Stiles’ again. It had been only a week and a half, but he needed his Stiles fix. He had gotten addicted, and he knew it was bad, but he knew that this wasn’t just about sex. This wasn’t just his human side. Stiles was the first person that had made his wolf want too. No one- not Kate, not Jennifer- had made his wolf interested in any way.

 

“Derek,” Stiles whined, and Derek sent him a feral grin before slowly letting tip of Stiles’ cock slip into his mouth. Stiles let out a wild keen, and Derek slowly moved his head up and down, sucking harder than usual, making the boy below him slip his fingers into his hair and try to push him forward and away at the same time.

 

“Fuck, yes. Derek. Yes yes yes! Missed this, missed you. Fuck. Why haven’t we been doing this? Fuck, I’m going to come Der, I’m going to come so you need to get off my fucking cock right now or I’ll blow,” wailed Stiles, and Derek just sucked harder. Derek usually didn’t let Stiles come in his mouth only because he loved watching Stiles fall apart on his cock. However, it seemed that Stiles hadn’t understood that, and perceived something else.

 

“Der!” Stiles screamed as he came deep in Derek’s mouth. Derek simply swallowed it all, sucking him through the after-math and slowly licking him clean, as he whimpered below him.

 

“I don’t know why you seemed to think I didn’t want you to come in my mouth,” said Derek quietly, looking at Stiles, who looked absolutely horrified that Derek had actually figured his babble out. “But the only reason I don’t let you do that is because i like watching you come with just my cock in your ass, without any help whatsoever. I like it when you come so hard that I can smell you for days. But you’ve been sad and you’ve been pushing me away and I couldn’t figure out how to fix it. Tell me, Stiles. I’ll fix it. I’ll give you whatever you want, but please, tell me how to make you happy again.”

 

Stiles let out a soft sob.

 

“Derek, please. I….Just fuck me, ok? Fuck me however you want to. That’s all I want right now.”

 

Derek looked at him, knowing that he had made Stiles sad, that it was him that was making Stiles sad.

 

And that was what was tearing him up inside.

 

_And its so hard to say it but I’ve been here before,_

_And I’ll surrender up my heart And swap it for yours._

 

* * *

* * *

 

_See the problem isn’t you, it’s me I know_

_I can tell, I’ve seen it time after time_

_And I’ll push you away, I get so afraid._

 

It had been weeks since Derek last saw Stiles. After their thing last week, Stiles seemed to have taken to purposely avoiding Derek. Derek didn’t say anything because he honestly thought it was for the best.

 

However, Peter did not agree.

 

“This is ridiculous Derek! Exactly what are you trying to achieve here? You’re miserable. That boy’s miserable! All we get is a mopey alpha to deal with and his ridiculously blind mate!” said Peter, glaring at Derek, who simply looked up from his laptop to glare at him for a moment and then diverted his attention back to the computer.

 

“Go away, Peter. I have a deadline to meet.”

 

Peter simply stood there glaring at him in disapproval.

 

Derek sighed.

 

“If I told you that I have something planned to try and solve this entire fiasco, will you leave me alone?”

 

“You have had both good and bad luck with your plans, Derek. I think you should run it past me before you end up ruining things,” said Peter, looking concerned now.

 

Derek smiled.

 

“You’ll see. I’m simply going to use my words.”

 

Peter nodded and left, and Derek looked back to the computer.

 

Just not in the way you think I am.

 

Derek wasn’t good at vocalizing how he felt. Or vocalizing almost anything. Stiles made a point of constantly reminding him of it.

 

What he was good at, however, was writing his words down. He stared at the words on his computer screen.

 

_Once in your lifetime, you meet someone who you can love with everything you have. They don’t ignore your flaws, they embrace them, and they try to help you work around them. They’re family, but at the same time, they’re more._

_They smell of peppermint, of a warm hearth, of forests, of rain._

_But most importantly, they smell of home._

_Sometimes they’re your total opposites. At other times, if feels like you’re both pieces of a puzzle, settling together to form a bigger and better whole._

_On some days, it feels like you’re two sides of a magnet, two polar opposites that can never really meet. On others, it feels like you’re two trains heading towards one another, towards the inevitable crash._

_But none of that matters. Not the pain, not the tears. Not the anguish, the doubts, the pining._

_None of it matters when you finally meet in the middle, finally able to burrow as deep as you can into each other, finally home._

 

And Derek smiled softly at the screen. The novel was complete, but he had only one more part to include.

 

* * *

 

Derek’s latest novel released on a bright December morning. The pack, as usual, got their copies first. Derek gave Scott Stiles’ copy, telling him to give it to Stiles as soon as possible. Even as Scott nodded, Isaac and Cora had looked in and looked up having seen the first page.

 

Derek’s lips quirked sadly at them, and they smiled back. Scott left to give Stiles his copy. All Derek could do now was wait.

 

Stiles didn’t come immediately, and as the day progressed, Derek felt something dark, sad and heavy settle deep inside him. Maybe everyone had been wrong. Maybe Stiles hadn’t wanted more. Maybe Derek had been projecting his own feelings on the boy.

 

But, as dinner came closer, and Derek finished up a call with his editor, Stiles stormed into the room.

 

“What. is. this?” he said, his breath coming out in half-angry and half-panting, having run all the way to Derek’s apartment. He was holding up one of the copies of Derek’s book, his eyes gleaming brightly in the light.

 

“Its a book,” said Derek, wryly, pretending that inside he wasn’t restlessly whining for Stiles.

 

“I got that, you asshole. I’m talking about what’s written on this page, right here!” he said, looking part angry, part hopeful, and completely Stiles. It took Derek’s breath away, every god damn time.

 

On the page Stiles had opened to was the dedication that Derek had typed up at the very end, wanting it to be perfect. There weren’t enough words in the English language to express what Stiles meant to him, but he knew he had to try.

  


_To S.S._

_Some brave souls choose to wear their hearts on their sleeves, but I, brave or stupid or perhaps both, have chosen instead to wear mine on yours._

 

The look that Stiles gave him was so open, so heart broken, so painfully hopeful.

 

“Derek, I need to know. Did you mean it?” he whispered, his heart speeding up, partially in fear and partially in hopeful anticipation.

 

Derek tilted his head, staring at Stiles.

 

“Yes, all of it. Had you not noticed how every book I wrote was based on you? How could you not notice how the pack snickered when they read the books and when you said you loved them? How could you not see that every time you walked into the room, all my attention was on you? I trip over my own god damn feet to make you smile because of something I did, and you never realized? You’re smarter than that Stiles,” said Derek, his calm exterior finally cracking, leaving vulnerability and anxiousness in its place.

 

Stiles’ heart skipped a beat, his breath catching. He moved forward slowly, his eyes glimmering with tears.

 

“Derek...Oh, shit, Derek, I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. It physically hurts to be away from you, and thinking that all you wanted was sex was utter anguish. That was why I pulled away, that was why I could do it anymore. It hurt too much to think that I could have that part of you, but not everything, like I wanted.”

 

Derek’s arms reached out and pulled Stiles in.

 

“It hasn’t been just about sex for a long, long time, Stiles,” he whispered and finally, their lips met.

 

And finally, all the parts of their heart fit together, the broken pieces rearranging themselves into something new.

 

Tomorrow would come, and mostly Derek would go into another round self-pity and self-degradation, and Stiles would question his own worth, but at least they were together.

  


_I only have myself to blame_

_But do you think we can start again_

_'Cause I can't live without you_

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked the fic guys!
> 
> Come have fun with me on tumblr at: http://misakikinomoto.tumblr.com/
> 
> I also have a Sterek fic rec tumblr: http://sterekfanrectimes.tumblr.com/
> 
> And you can come and chat with me on LJ too! : misakikinomoto.livejournal.com
> 
> Oh! And please do leave kudos and comments if you liked my attempt!


End file.
